luni, 12 martie 2012

The Cinderella Pact

I just saw the movie "Lying to Be Perfect" and it made me face some of the issues I've been dealing for the past...two years and the reason why on my plan of getting to a healthy life style, with a balanced meal plan, workout and enough amount of sleep, I wound up 15 pounds heavier and with the most screwed up diet ever (not only that I don't drink water unless I'm out of everything else, but I have a can of Coke every-God-given-day, I either eat all day long biscuits and cookies and all those products that have no nutritional value whatsoever, or two times a day - at least one of them around 11-12 at night...). It's like I've read all the books about nutrition and health (and trust me, not only that I read them, I memorized them!) and do everything wrong on purpose!

I realized that a while ago...but, of course, then came the question: why do I do that?

At the beginning there was the guilt of messing a guy up by breaking him into a million tiny pieces after gaining his trust and making him believe in love and people and happy ending.
Then, after I got the confirmation that I actually did the right thing, I went back to my screwed up dating scenario: broken boy, fix him up, dump him.
After a while I realized that I wasn't doing that for the good of human kind, but because I loved playing with people's lives, changing them into what I believe is good for them and for humanity, in general. So, basically playing God.
That was fun for a while, until I realized that (apart from what I've said before) the relationship - even if it gets them to where I want them to be - it did not make me, personally, happy.
So, after that I tried to go for the real thing and it didn't work out as I thought it would and, also, I realized I was not as confident as I thought I was...
And ever since then I've been struggling with my SS issues, planing one thing and doing everything to sabotage myself from accomplishing it.

So...Mr. Erickson or Stern or ... Adler, what should I do to get back, or...forward to the better, normal, stable version of ME? I've been telling myself that I don't need a guy to do that, I? And is it weak to need someone? Or is it too...feminist to make it on your on? Ms. Ciorbea told us at one point that men are intimidated by women who have it all and they need to feel... needed. So...Independent and alone or dependent and... dependent? Is there something in-between?

Mree - Blood (The Middle East cover )

marți, 6 martie 2012

Let me be


I know it feels more than nice to know that there's somebody out there who loves you and no matter how late you call, he/she will answer and will always be there whenever you need to cry or talk or walk. But to know that you will never feel the same for that person and keep him/her on the hook is just wrong! Is not only selfish, but really mean!
So, for the love of God, or...whatever, for the love of something, stop giving hope to him/her, just set them free, cause everyone deserves to be loved, not just you!
What do you want from me

joi, 1 martie 2012


I'm not really in the chatty mood, but I swore to myself that I would not let a month pass by without posting something...anything.

So, this is what this one is..."something" to keep my promise to myself.

And speaking about promises...lately I realized that I have the tendency not to keep my word. I use to be the very opposite: I used to control myself just by saying "From now on I will..." or "From now on I will never ...(do something)" and I would just do it! But somewhere along the way I realized that I am not spontaneous anymore, I don't do what I want and FEEL, and I am way too rational. So I decided not to be so controlled anymore. But, I guess, my unconscious thought I need some time to experience what it's like not to keep any promise, not to myself (especially) and not to anyone else! I don't mind not keeping promises to myself...I take it like an experiment of "how far can I go", but I don't like saying to a friend that I will do something and not do it.
I don't know...I have been asking: are my standards too high? Do I promise things that are out of my rich? Or...I promise things that sound good, that I know would be good for my friend, but maybe not so great for me?
And what should I (and us, in general) do? Should we lower our standards just because we're lazy or cozy? Or should we push ourselves to live up to those standards?
But all that pushing, does it make us grow, evolve, improve, develop? Or it makes us someone different, someone who constantly is not pleased with himself/herself, someone who tortures himself/herself every day? What good is that?
But on the other hand...if you don't push yourself, isn't that limiting?

The answer seems simple: you have to push yourself, but not too far. Ok...but how far is too far?

(I should have called this post "random gibberish", right? :)) )
P.S.: Didn't keep this promise neither!
The Script - Nothing