joi, 3 noiembrie 2011

Random Gibberish part 4

I feel a part of me is missing.
I know I'm still tired from the crazy summer I've been trough, but...I feel like I don't belong here, and all the plans that I had (have and make)  don't make any sense...
I feel lost.
Fix me, please!
I always made it by my self, but this time I can't seem to find the hope, the joy and the energy that always gets me out of the darkness that I surround myself sometimes with. So, I need help, but I'm incapable of asking for it.
Four things were on the top of my priorities: 1. my dissertation paper
                                                                      2. A.S.F.I.
                                                                      3. E.F.C.P. (the university courses)
                                                              and  4. my friends
but I don't really care for any of this things right now...I wanna lock myself into a room, with books, music, movies, red wine and just stay there alone till I get sick of it.

There are so many things going on right now, everything is changing and it's heading in the right direction, but I'm impatient... I feel overwhelmed, like I can't keep up, like I'm not where I wanted to be at this point in my life...I feel like I lost precious time that I can never get back or make up for.

I thought that talking with my thesis adviser would give me the spark that I've been missing and step by step I would get back on track...but talking with him only made me feel even more on the outside, behind.
The task that he gave me (that I knew I had to do even before he told me to) did not give me the impulse that I was hoping for, on the contrary - it mad me even less enthusiastic about getting started.

A.S.F.I. gives me hope, by looking at the new members and thinking about the projects, the activities that I wanna involve myself in and all the things that I wanna do with the new members, all the things that I wanna teach them, and the changes that I wanna bring to the association...but still, when I go home, I thing about last year and all the plans that I had for it and how little I achieved.  Even if we only had a bunch of people to work with, I still blame myself for not reaching the targets that I set for myself. I know this year is my second chance and that turns all the hope and excitement into anxiety and nervousness.

Even though I said that I would start right away to work on the tasks that we have for the final exams, I didn't. I started reading one of the 3 books that we have for one exam and even though I find it very interesting, I haven't read a word since 3 days ago.

And my fiends - Puiu is in Luxemburg, Larisa just came back from U.S.A. and she's changed - I think she's going through something similar to what I'm going through, Anto is cough up with the job haunt, Ioana is busy with classes and her boyfriend and Ana has no clue.

Can you blame me for feeling like this?

Coldplay - Paradise
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