sâmbătă, 28 mai 2011

Random Gibberish part 3

I said that I won't be writting on this blog (except for promoting interesting events)...but I can't do that, not after my long talk with I., the other day, on our walk home from the Ada Milea and Bobo concert (which was mind-blowing!)...
She told me, and I know she's right, that I overthink things, I don't allow myself to feel as intensive as I can and I never do what I feel. What she didn't say is that I do that because I'm scared of being deceived, and so...I take every little gesture and every single word and turn them upside down and inside out, extracting possible scenarious and reasons for their happening...And I don't allow myself to feel as intensive as I can because deep down I belive that emotions cloud one's judgement, and especially mine. As far as doing what I feel...I'm scared of being perceived as ridiculous, or (in guy manners) making him cocky and deceitful (is something about my Ego... ) because I believe, deep down in my unconscious, that if you declare your feelings to someone, you give him/her power over you, you became dominated (I know, if you think this rationally it doesn't make much sense, but...unfortunately the unconscious is not very logical...), and I don't want to be dominated!
Now that I see this written black on white, I can't seem to understand why I'm so scared of being deceived (It would make some sense if I had been deceived in the past, but I haven't, never! So where does it come from?!)...and I wonder what would happen to me if I would actually be deceived, would I handle it or would I break down? I guess I hope I'll never have to find out...

So, back to my long talk with I. ... going once again through the story (where there's no actual story...) I noticed some internal changes about my attitude towards the way I aproach this kind of things (guy things) and I feel good about that, cause the rest is just depressing...
Now I wonder what can you do when you mess up so bad, complicate something that was supposed to be simple, and you believe there's nothing to save...that what you did (or didn't do) could never be taken back (or done) so that the initial story would go on the normal way...(or, so that there would be an actual story). Is there something that you can do?

Enough with that.

There's a thing that I want to share with you and it can be summarized like this "I'd rather regret something that I did, then regret not doing something!" It's the conclusion that I harshly reached last summer (did I express myself correctly there? - I meant to say that I paid an expensive price to reach that conclusion...) and I would like if someone didn't go through what I went through to learn this - so, trust me when I say to you: Do as you feel ! (I feel the need to draw to your attention that I'm not talking about extremes here.)  Don't be like me, cause all the thinking and analyzing will get you straight to Regret's land.

That's enough for tonight...I wanted to say so many more other things, but I'm very tired and I can't thing straight, so there's a good chance that you won't understand what I'm trying to say...

Alexandrina Hristov - De cand am plecat

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