It's been 8 months and 19 days since I arrived in India. I think it's time to start sharing about my Indian experience, don't you think?
I'm sorry I didn't do it from the first few days, when everything was new and weird and I used to get a cultural shock almost every day...I remember I use to have an epiphany every other day and felt happy that I decided to come to India.
After I started to work, for real (since December), I did not have time to write anything, so...here I am, trying to share my Indian experience and what I understood so far of this unbelievable culture.
I'm on sick leave, so now I have some time to READ! So, I started "Holy Cow", by Sarah Macdonald - a book that I've been wanting to read for the past 6 month, but only touched when I was wiping off the dust from the bed-table.
I like it a lot! It helps me remember the beginning of my experience here and understand things about the culture that Indians were not able to explain to me (because even they don't know the reason behind it). It also has a lot of things that I haven't seen or experienced yet, but hope I will.
So, for now, I'll advice everyone who is in India or plans to come and visit, to read it and take a few items for the "to-do and to-see" list.
I just saw the movie "Lying to Be Perfect" and it made me face some of the issues I've been dealing for the past...two years and the reason why on my plan of getting to a healthy life style, with a balanced meal plan, workout and enough amount of sleep, I wound up 15 pounds heavier and with the most screwed up diet ever (not only that I don't drink water unless I'm out of everything else, but I have a can of Coke every-God-given-day, I either eat all day long biscuits and cookies and all those products that have no nutritional value whatsoever, or two times a day - at least one of them around 11-12 at night...). It's like I've read all the books about nutrition and health (and trust me, not only that I read them, I memorized them!) and do everything wrong on purpose!
I realized that a while ago...but, of course, then came the question: why do I do that?
At the beginning there was the guilt of messing a guy up by breaking him into a million tiny pieces after gaining his trust and making him believe in love and people and happy ending.
Then, after I got the confirmation that I actually did the right thing, I went back to my screwed up dating scenario: broken boy, fix him up, dump him.
After a while I realized that I wasn't doing that for the good of human kind, but because I loved playing with people's lives, changing them into what I believe is good for them and for humanity, in general. So, basically playing God.
That was fun for a while, until I realized that (apart from what I've said before) the relationship - even if it gets them to where I want them to be - it did not make me, personally, happy.
So, after that I tried to go for the real thing and it didn't work out as I thought it would and, also, I realized I was not as confident as I thought I was...
And ever since then I've been struggling with my SS issues, planing one thing and doing everything to sabotage myself from accomplishing it.
So...Mr. Erickson or Stern or ... Adler, what should I do to get back, or...forward to the better, normal, stable version of ME? I've been telling myself that I don't need a guy to do that, but...do I? And is it weak to need someone? Or is it too...feminist to make it on your on? Ms. Ciorbea told us at one point that men are intimidated by women who have it all and they need to feel... needed. So...Independent and alone or dependent and... dependent? Is there something in-between?
I know it feels more than nice to know that there's somebody out there who loves you and no matter how late you call, he/she will answer and will always be there whenever you need to cry or talk or walk. But to know that you will never feel the same for that person and keep him/her on the hook is just wrong! Is not only selfish, but really mean!
So, for the love of God, or...whatever, for the love of something, stop giving hope to him/her, just set them free, cause everyone deserves to be loved, not just you! What do you want from me
I'm not really in the chatty mood, but I swore to myself that I would not let a month pass by without posting something...anything.
So, this is what this one is..."something" to keep my promise to myself.
And speaking about promises...lately I realized that I have the tendency not to keep my word. I use to be the very opposite: I used to control myself just by saying "From now on I will..." or "From now on I will never ...(do something)" and I would just do it! But somewhere along the way I realized that I am not spontaneous anymore, I don't do what I want and FEEL, and I am way too rational. So I decided not to be so controlled anymore. But, I guess, my unconscious thought I need some time to experience what it's like not to keep any promise, not to myself (especially) and not to anyone else! I don't mind not keeping promises to myself...I take it like an experiment of "how far can I go", but I don't like saying to a friend that I will do something and not do it.
I don't know...I have been asking: are my standards too high? Do I promise things that are out of my rich? Or...I promise things that sound good, that I know would be good for my friend, but maybe not so great for me?
And what should I (and us, in general) do? Should we lower our standards just because we're lazy or cozy? Or should we push ourselves to live up to those standards?
But all that pushing, does it make us grow, evolve, improve, develop? Or it makes us someone different, someone who constantly is not pleased with himself/herself, someone who tortures himself/herself every day? What good is that?
But on the other hand...if you don't push yourself, isn't that limiting?
The answer seems simple: you have to push yourself, but not too far. Ok...but how far is too far?
(I should have called this post "random gibberish", right? :)) ) P.S.: Didn't keep this promise neither! The Script - Nothing
I feel broken...like a part of me is missing.
I know I'm still tired from the crazy summer I've been trough, but...I feel like I don't belong here, and all the plans that I had (have and make) don't make any sense...
I feel lost.
Fix me, please!
I always made it by my self, but this time I can't seem to find the hope, the joy and the energy that always gets me out of the darkness that I surround myself sometimes with. So, I need help, but I'm incapable of asking for it.
Four things were on the top of my priorities: 1. my dissertation paper
2. A.S.F.I.
3. E.F.C.P. (the university courses)
and 4. my friends
but I don't really care for any of this things right now...I wanna lock myself into a room, with books, music, movies, red wine and just stay there alone till I get sick of it.
There are so many things going on right now, everything is changing and it's heading in the right direction, but I'm impatient... I feel overwhelmed, like I can't keep up, like I'm not where I wanted to be at this point in my life...I feel like I lost precious time that I can never get back or make up for.
I thought that talking with my thesis adviser would give me the spark that I've been missing and step by step I would get back on track...but talking with him only made me feel even more on the outside, behind.
The task that he gave me (that I knew I had to do even before he told me to) did not give me the impulse that I was hoping for, on the contrary - it mad me even less enthusiastic about getting started.
A.S.F.I. gives me hope, by looking at the new members and thinking about the projects, the activities that I wanna involve myself in and all the things that I wanna do with the new members, all the things that I wanna teach them, and the changes that I wanna bring to the association...but still, when I go home, I thing about last year and all the plans that I had for it and how little I achieved. Even if we only had a bunch of people to work with, I still blame myself for not reaching the targets that I set for myself. I know this year is my second chance and that turns all the hope and excitement into anxiety and nervousness.
Even though I said that I would start right away to work on the tasks that we have for the final exams, I didn't. I started reading one of the 3 books that we have for one exam and even though I find it very interesting, I haven't read a word since 3 days ago.
And my fiends - Puiu is in Luxemburg, Larisa just came back from U.S.A. and she's changed - I think she's going through something similar to what I'm going through, Anto is cough up with the job haunt, Ioana is busy with classes and her boyfriend and Ana has no clue.
Yesterday was my last day of work and this morning I left Jackson Hole.
To catch up I will say that after a while I got sick of my first job and the second job - though I enjoyed it and the team was great and we had fun - was killing me because it was always crazy busy. In September, my first employer wanted to cut down our hours, I managed to convince him to let me work just enough to pay my rent and find a third job. So, instead of having more free time I ended up having only one evening off per week.
One thing I learned from this experience is that "I don't even have time to think" is not just an expression or a way of saying that you're very busy, but it can really happen. I would never imagine that this could be true, but it is. Another thing is that this type of manual labor is really bad for my neurons...as much as I tried to find something that would stimulate some synapses, to look for some psychological effects in everyone I worked with , causes for their behaviour...I still felt like my grey matter was getting softer and my neurons started dying...Don't get me wrong - I was awesome, I did great at all my three jobs ( I was The Sales Wo-Man at Moose on the Loos, where they did a special step-target bonuses just for me, I was The Sandwich Maker at Wendy's and the summer work&traveler who got the most hours and at the Whole Grocer everybody kept telling me what a good job I'm doing and how they've never seen anybody as good as me in that position).
I also got the confirmation of the fact that I could never do this for a living...I need to feel that I do something meaningful, that my efforts make a difference - I rather be paid poorly, but get satisfaction from my work And I also got the confirmation of the fact that I am a perfectionist - no matter what I do, I have to be very good at it, the best if it's possible.
So, after I finished working like mad, I had a little party with my roommates, packed my things and took off. (I wish it was as spontaneous as it sounds, but it wasn't - it was planned, reserved and paid) So, now I'm in Salt Lake City airport waiting for the flight for L.A. where I will finally enjoy U.S.A. for 3 night and 4 days afterwards I'll get crazy in Las Vegas and then I'll put my "fitze" on in New York. Then and only then I will be ready to go back home.
Now I miss psychology and I'm nervous because I didn't do anything for my thesis (the dissertation). I tried to think about it...but the truth is that I have no clue where to start (actually I do, but I need some information that are not available online, cause - of course - I chose a subject that is so new that it's still being researched and tested...). but, at least, I came up with a plan.
I feel so exhausted...Now I can truly say that I understand what "burnout" and "under-stimulation" mean.
I said that I won't be writting on this blog (except for promoting interesting events)...but I can't do that, not after my long talk with I., the other day, on our walk home from the Ada Milea and Bobo concert (which was mind-blowing!)...
She told me, and I know she's right, that I overthink things, I don't allowmyself to feel as intensive as I can and I never do what I feel. What she didn't say is that I do that because I'm scared of being deceived, and so...I take every little gesture and every single word and turn them upside down and inside out, extracting possible scenarious and reasons for their happening...And I don't allow myself to feel as intensive as I can because deep down I belive that emotions cloud one's judgement, and especially mine. As far as doing what I feel...I'm scared of being perceived as ridiculous, or (in guy manners) making him cocky and deceitful (is something about my Ego... ) because I believe, deep down in my unconscious, that if you declare your feelings to someone, you give him/her power over you, you became dominated (I know, if you think this rationally it doesn't make much sense, but...unfortunately the unconscious is not very logical...), and I don't want to be dominated!
Now that I see this written black on white, I can't seem to understand why I'm so scared of being deceived (It would make some sense if I had been deceived in the past, but I haven't, never! So where does it come from?!)...and I wonder what would happen to me if I would actually be deceived, would I handle it or would I break down? I guess I hope I'll never have to find out...
So, back to my long talk with I. ... going once again through the story (where there's no actual story...) I noticed some internal changes about my attitude towards the way I aproach this kind of things (guy things) and I feel good about that, cause the rest is just depressing...
Now I wonder what can you do when you mess up so bad, complicate something that was supposed to be simple, and you believe there's nothing to save...that what you did (or didn't do) could never be taken back (or done) so that the initial story would go on the normal way...(or, so that there would be an actual story). Is there something that you can do?
Enough with that.
There's a thing that I want to share with you and it can be summarized like this "I'd rather regret something that I did, then regret not doing something!" It's the conclusion that I harshly reached last summer (did I express myself correctly there? - I meant to say that I paid an expensive price to reach that conclusion...) and I would like if someone didn't go through what I went through to learn this - so, trust me when I say to you: Do as you feel !(I feel the need to draw to your attention that I'm not talking about extremes here.) Don't be like me, cause all the thinking and analyzing will get you straight to Regret's land.
That's enough for tonight...I wanted to say so many more other things, but I'm very tired and I can't thing straight, so there's a good chance that you won't understand what I'm trying to say...
It's been a while since I've wrote something on this blog of mine...but lately I have been very busy and besides...sometimes I wonder why I write here what I write...
Anyway...
Today I want to babble about being in love with an idea. And to be clear about what I mean, think about the prototype or representation of your "ideal mate" (everybody has a "wishlist" of how their "soul mate" should be).
I don't know how other people operate, but I have this prototype in my head and I compare every single man that I meet with that prototype and decide whether to pay any attention or not to him.
So, I'm in love with this prototype...but I thought that I will never meet someone that will fit perfectly my prototype and lived driven by the idea that I should find somebody close to my mental image and that experience will teach me what are the essential aspects that I need to find. That was until I met somebody who seems to be the materialization of my idea.
And this brings me to the discussion...
First of all, I wonder: Am I the only person that works with mate-prototypes?
Then, I wonder...these prototypes...how do we create them? Are they really what we need? Or are they just what we want? Me, for example, I think that I created this prototype by realizing what I need from a man to make me happy. And I can't help but wonder if I really need everything that I've put on my "wishlist".
It's like shopping for a gadget ...we go into a store with an image of what we want to buy (ex: Nokia E71), and we tell ourselves that we need every single feature on the 'wishlist' (Symbian Operating System, 3.15 megapixel and autofocus Camera, GPRS, 3G, HSDPA, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, Infrared, etc), when actually many of the features from the wishlist are there just because they look good, or they are the new wave in technology...(to continue the example, we rarely need infrared, we normaly use bluethooth and Wi-Fi, camera and 3G...Honestly, I have used my phone camera maybe ten times in the past 2 years and never the 3G! ).
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